Wednesday, December 21, 2005

"Home" alone slightly delayed

As it turned out, the other housemate's departure was slightly delayed. So she had stayed put in the apartment for a day or two longer.

That allowed me to garner insight into the "abnormal" person that I am. An explanation is in order.

Not for the first time, a
housemate has admitted to feeling lonely (when the partner isn't around temporarily) and professed wonder at how I managed such an existance for the past 2-3 years. Well, I just do, was the best reply I could muster.

But after hearing so many of my
housemates say this to me, I've come to realise I'm indeed the odd one out. I seem to be able to handle loneliness better than others. Even Jim has made that observation about me. Now, don't get me wrong. It is not a "skill" I am proud of and I certainly prefer human company of any kind to none at all. Nonetheless, I still somehow manage to get by pretty ok when it is forced upon me. Indeed this very blog is my own reaction to loneliness.

current housemate's reactions to being alone was a little comic (although she is only 19). She had wanted badly to talk to someone all day but her boyfriend was already back in Hong Kong. And she knew I was rather busy working. So she held back her tongue until night time when I had stopped working (more like too tired to continue working) before launching into a mostly soliloquy of a conversation with me.

I saw she was feeling lonely and played listener. Albeit a somewhat unwilling one when it dragged on a little. At least she didn't gush too much about her Significant Other or I'd really be bored to tears. We then watched a movie (
Initial D which I found pretty unchallenging and dry) together before calling it a night. I hope I managed to help dispel at least part of her pangs of loneliness.

That this happened after only one day of her boyfriend leaving Sydney was a little quirky. At least I found it so on hindsight.

And just in case anyone wondered. No, 讀者們請不要想歪, no mischief of any sort took place.

All this has again brought to the surface of my subconscious mind, my evergrowing comfort of staying single. Indeed, if
hadn't re-appeared in my life a year ago, things would be very clear cut now. But that's life I suppose; Some things just happen at the most unexpected of times.

Partially because of her reappearance, I've been and still am standing at the crossroads of my life. On the one hand, I realise I've gotten to such an extreme high level of comfort with my singlehood and myself that it would take someone extraordinarily special to make me want to alter it. On the other, the feelings
have planted in me made me realise maybe there is a higher level of contentment and happiness out there. The frustrating part is of course the "maybe".

No, I don't think about these things often nor worry about them. It is just that watching my housemate's reactions had brought them once again into the limelight of my conscious mind.

But knowing myself, they will soon sink back into the abyss of my subconscious. Again.

100 days to go.


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